The death of a loved one shocks those left behind. Whether the loss is anticipated after long illness or utterly unexpected, the bereaved are seldom emotionally prepared. Even those who knew death was coming (and already made final arrangements) have no idea of the overwhelming tasks to be done after a loved one’s passing. Many can’t be delegated, but friends, neighbors, and coworkers can — and should — offer help where possible.
Within minutes or hours, new mourners must answer overwhelming questions and make difficult decisions:
- Will organs (or the body) be donated for transplants and/or study?
- What were the circumstances of the death? The day(s) leading up to it? (If death wasn’t expected, police and/or the medical examiner’s office may demand ones far-reaching, deeply personal answers.)
- Who will move the person’s remains — and to where?
- Who should make such decisions? (Does anyone know if there’s a will and/or an appointed executor?)
The deceased might have expressed clear, final wishes before his or her death. Those left behind must deal with implementing — or ignoring — such requests.
Within hours or days, survivors must create or enact plans:
- Will the loved one’s body be buried or cremated? Where? When?
- Will there be a private or public memorial service before the body’s disposal? After?
- If so, will there be an open-casket viewing?
- Will survivors hold a formal service in a church, synagogue, or mortuary? Or will they gather informally inside a private home (whether that of the deceased or of survivors or friends)? Or will they meet at a park, restaurant, beach, roadside …?
- Who will arrange — and pay for — all this?
- Who needs to be notified for personal reasons? How can they be reached? Who will tell them, and how much (or how little) will be shared about the circumstances of the death?
- Who needs to be notified for financial and/or legal reasons (partners, employers, employees, suppliers, customers …)?
Please note: These decisions belong to those closest to the deceased (those in the innermost rings of grief ). The role of everyone else is not to second-guess but to support. If you disagree with the way or the timing or the manner of their choices, I’m sorry, but it’s not your place to say so. (The adage “least said, soonest mended” fits.)
Within hours or days, loved ones must also address legal matters:
- custody and care of surviving dependents (children, disabled adults, elderly relatives, pets)
- payments of debts (mortgages, car payments, credit cards, medical bills yet to arrive …)
- payment of and transferal of ongoing accounts including rent, utilities, health insurance for survivors …
- notification of life insurance companies, if applicable
- notification of banks or credit unions
- notification of federal agencies (e.g., the U.S. Social Security Administration and the Internal Revenue Service)
- notification of credit bureaus (to prevent scumbags from accessing the deceased person’s credit, etc.)
And who knows where such information is? If bills were paid electronically, does the family know how to access the accounts? Will linked accounts for auto-pay bills contain enough to meet immediate, ongoing needs?
Meanwhile, while the loved one’s life has ended, survivors’ lives must go on. But don’t say that. I repeat — DO NOT say “life goes on” to the survivors. Instead, help them. You can:
- Pick up and drop off
- meals and snacks
- kids in carpool
- relatives flying in and out
- dry cleaning
- paper goods (tissues, toilet paper, paper towels, disposable plates …)
- gift cards and/or cash
- notes of love and awareness
- Pitch in
- wash clothes* and bedding* (PLEASE see note at bottom!)
- do dishes*
- bathe pets
- clean the car
- take the trash out
- clean and shine the family’s shoes*
- rake, water, or weed the yard
- sweep the front porch or wash the windows
- read to, play with, and offer to babysit children
- house-sit during publicly advertised services
- Make a list — a notebook with pockets and dividers might be helpful
- local funeral homes, services, prices (It will be easier for you to make such calls and create a comparison list than for your friends while they’re newly grieving.)
- contact information (phone, website, and physical addresses) for tending to
- motor vehicle title(s)
- house deed/rental agreement(s)
- bank and credit card accounts
- utilities (electricity, water, gas, phone, internet …)
- subscriptions (newspaper, magazines, movie services …)
- insurance companies (auto, health, life …)
- credit bureaus (to prevent identity theft)
Please note: Only the closest, most trusted individuals — if any — should help in any way that involves actual account numbers. Keep an eye out for anyone who may take advantage of mourners’ vulnerable, distracted states of mind.
- due dates and amounts of recurrent bills to be paid (monthly, quarterly, annually)
- local grief support services and resources for now or for later (Check with area hospices and faith-based groups for starting points.)
- names, contact information, and offers of people who say, “Let me know if I can help with …”
Please note: If you offer, follow up. Don’t wait for the grieving person to call you, because most can’t muster the energy no matter how badly they need to.
- the kindnesses done by friends, family, neighbors, coworkers …
- things remembered about the deceased — stories, anecdotes, personality quirks …
- Return to the top of this list and repeat.
As much as grieving friends need your support in the hours, days, and weeks immediately after a death, mourners also need loving, practical support in the long, lonely months (and years) that follow.
*Before washing any items worn or used by the person who died, PLEASE ask to make sure that will be welcome. If in doubt, don’t. (Many survivors take comfort from holding and smelling items which remind them of their loved one.)